How to do nothing — Jennifer L. Phillips, Ph.D.

Lesson one for me as hospital chaplain was that sometimes a situation is impossibly hard.* For a caring person, this can be a difficult truth to accept—that you can’t always fix things, you won’t save the day with game-changing wisdom, and in fact you may not even move the needle.

Lesson two covered the art of discerning whether a situation calls for doing or being. Sometimes there’s a task to accomplish. For a chaplain, this may mean tracking down a family member, arranging a baptism, or conducting a palliative care assessment. Other times, we can only hope that our presence will connect and comfort, or help someone feel less alone. But—and here’s a tough pill to swallow—even that “success” may be out of reach.

Lesson three: It takes a special person to show up with nothing to do. Witnessing another’s struggle is its own kind of suffering, which demands courage and resilience. It also takes boatloads of self-trust and confidence simply to be present, and let that be enough.

Finally, lesson four: I can do this. There will be times in life when the question is not “what must I do,” but rather “how will I be?” When we deal with factors beyond our control—or, in happier context, surrender to creative process—we can’t guarantee the end state. We can, however, be present for it.

For more on this, read Parker Palmer’s moving essay, “The Gift of Presence, The Perils of Advice,” or watch this short video on how to help a grieving friend.

*You should know that I have resisted all four of these lessons mightily at times. I’m still trying to learn and trusting the process!